I’ve been seriously thinking about a very serious topic lately: romantic proposals. Of the “will you marry me?” variety. And I’ve come to the conclusion that something is genuinely f-ed up in our society when the young, groomed, well-rested women who aren’t covered in poop and spit-up get to be on the receiving end of possibly the one and only truly romantic gesture a woman ever experiences in her life. Why THEM? Why not us: the toddler-wrestling, vomit-wiping, potty-training SUPERHUMANDROIDMOMS? Young chick who has time for a bikini wax and a movie, followed by mimosas and SATC reruns? You don’t deserve an f-ing proposal; I do! What’s more, you wouldn’t even fully appreciate it. And I would. Oh, how I would.
When I think back to the day when Ethan popped the question, that lovely (okay, sweltering) afternoon in New York City when the only care in my head was whether or not I had time for a shower before dinner and whether or not Voldemort really had found a new body, I am genuinely resentful that SHE’S the one who got all the glory, while I’m sitting here loading the dishwasher for the fifty-thousandth time while sniffing my toddler’s butt to see if a diaper change is in order. Pre-kid me doesn’t need a bunch of romance BUT MOM-ME WOULD PAY GOOD MONEY TO BE GIFTED SOME BLING EVEN IF IT WILL JUST END UP GETTING PUREED PEAR STUCK ALL OVER IT.
I know I’m not alone. That’s why I’ve come up with these uber romantic “proposals” that I know a lot of us moms would love to hear from our spouses or partners (these are guaranteed to elicit a “yes” and not an “Um, let me get back to you after I wipe up this spittle”). And if you’re a mom and you popped the question yourself, OR if you aren’t married because legally you can’t get married because the world is dumb, OR if you and your significant other had a baby before getting married, OR some other condition is true that I’m not listing here, then you deserve to hear several of these, or perhaps even all:
“Honey, I just did all the dishes, fished cheddar bunnies out of the cracks in the car seat, and booked a babysitter for Friday night so you can watch the latest Twilight movie while I pour you a glass of Prosecco. Will you marry me?” (YES)
“What do you mean, your stomach looks poochy? I literally cannot see it. Like, I am staring at it and I cannot tell the difference between your stomach now and your stomach five years ago. Like, it is scientifically impossible to see any difference at all. Will you marry me?” (UM, YEAH!)
To colleague, friend, or even just a random human on the street: “My wife is [writing a novel/starting a company/molding young minds/running the preschool coat drive] AND she just finished a marathon. AND SHE DID ALL THAT WHILE OUR KIDS RODE ON HER BACK. AND ONE KID RODE ON HER FRONT. AND THE DOG RAN NEXT TO THEM. AND THE CAT WATCHED. I hope she will still symbolically remarry me even though all I did this year was a couple of Excel models.” (SHE WILL)
“Babe, I asked the kids who their favorite person is in the whole word, and first they said Elmo, but then they said you. So I’m third behind you and Elmo. Elmo won’t marry me but I hope you will.” (WELL WHEN YOU PUT IT LIKE THAT…)
“You are an awesome wife and mom and I kind of think maybe you thought you were marrying somebody else but when you got to the courthouse and saw it was me it was too late so you just said “f it” but I’m really happy that you were cool about it. Will you, again, just say f it and marry me?” (UH-HUH!)
“I don’t freakin’ know how you do it, but somehow our child is asleep and the sofa is not painted with red nail polish. Please don’t ever leave us.” (I’LL THINK ABOUT IT)
“I didn’t even know the bounds of your awesomeness until you birthed our precious offspring. I just bought you a ticket to a spa in a faraway land and you’re going for a week, alone!” (HELLS YEAH)
“You, sexy. Me, tired. Will you marry me.” (NODS YES BEFORE NODDING OFF)
If you have a mom in your life who is kickass and spit-covered, feel free to borrow any or all of these. She deserves it.
If this gave you some good ideas or just made you wish you had married Elmo, like Mommyproof’s FB page or leave a comment below. xox
