Dear Wee One,
If you read this blog religiously, you’ll know how much I completely adore everything about you, from your cute-licious little toes to your adorkable diaper butt to your curls and your crooked, crooked smile. You are my world (well, you, Downton Abbey, Daddy, and my quest to convert every human to Harry Potter fanaticism — in that order). But here’s the thing. When you don’t sleep, I don’t sleep. Wait, let me use language you’ll more easily understand because Elmo says you don’t “get” pronouns yet. When Baby doesn’t sleep, Mommy doesn’t sleep. And Daddy doesn’t sleep. And stuffed sheep doesn’t f-ing sleep. And Mommy says things in the dead of night while you wail like, “I think I need therapy,” “GOD MAKE IT STOP” and “maybe we’re really only cut out for one child.” (Sheep says “baaaaa.” Trust me, you don’t want a translation.)
I hear toddlers respond well to rules and THE TRUTH, so let me put it bluntly: if you want any hope of getting a little brother or sister, you need to go to sleep RIGHT THE FREAK NOW. You are too young to understand how little brothers and sisters come to be, but the fact is, it ain’t happening any time soon as long as we hear your persistent demands to be freed from your crib, I mean baby jail, all night long. (If this entire cry-it-out situation is actually a ploy by you to ENSURE you never get a sibling, because you love being an only child far too much, then props to you. It’s working.)
Mommy loves you, sweet one. Every time you cry, Mommy cries a million times harder and eventually stuffs headphones in her ears and watches crappy TV until the wails stop. Daddy just punches his pillow, but he’ll address that in a letter under separate cover.
Please consider sleeping soundly tonight, and Mommy will make sure you go to a good college and not just University of Phoenix. And you can have a cookie.
In the throes of re-sleep training your child? Please, please leave me a comment below with either a) commiseration, b) genius tips that will work IMMEDIATELY to restore quiet to my house, or c) the number of your therapist. And if you liked this post, “like” Mommyproof on Facebook because when my child is crying, it feels like all I have. xox